1/12/2016
It's 2 o'clock in the morning and I am sitting up in bed. James Taylor is singing to me through my headphones, and I. just. can't. sleep.I made the decision to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in this last year. Some people might tell you that this was something I decided years & years ago, when I drew a self portrait of myself in a blue polka dot dress, with a caption that says, "I'm going to serve a mission". But, to be honest, I didn't even know what that decision meant as a little toothlesss child.
Choosing to serve a mission isn't easy.
As an LDS young adult, sometimes leaving on a mission becomes so romanticized, girls bidding farewell to their "eternal sweethearts" (their boyf's) for two years, cute pinterest going away parties, opening your call with all your family and friends, and the sweet anticipation it brings. I tried to explain the "event" of going on a mission to my friends who aren't Mormon, and if you look at it in a different light, it's a crazy, fun, exciting, but sort-of blown-up ordeal.
I can't even explain how excited I was to open my call. I mean, the next two years of my life awaited me in a 9x11 white envelope. I mean, that's pretty exciting.
I cried tears of joy. The paper inside said, "You are called to serve in Cusco, Peru". I was in shock. If you watch the video of me opening my call, I read, "Cusco, Peru", and I just shake my head. Shake away tears pouring down my face. And then just say, "Yeah...that's cool". I was just totally blown away, it didn't seem real, I had no words.
That day is one of the happiest of my life on record. I felt so full of love and light and joy. Totally on cloud nine. Nothing could bring me down. And I KNEW, (like stronger than anything else I knew) that I was to go to Peru, that God had a special work there for me, and that my life would be changed by the sweet Peruvian people.
But, as time goes on, it gets much harder. That cloud nine feeling, as much as I wish it did, is not how I feel everyday. That initial excitement is still in me, and is taking up a good chunk of my heart. But, the decision has been hard.
I have missed Rexburg a whole bunch. I miss being independent. I miss college nights going out late. I miss talking with my sweet roommates into the late hours of the night. I miss doing what I want. I miss getting to make the decision to go to Taco Tuesday @ Cafe Rio every single Tuesday without fail. I miss singing in the choir. I even miss sitting on my bed against the wall hurriedly typing essays upon essays. I miss complaining about our weird FHE brothers. I miss the bitter cold in Rexburg and wearing my hood tight on my face like a teletubby. I miss the scooter I had for my broken ankle, and scootering class to class. I miss singing and playing ukulele with my roommate. I miss boys asking me for my number. (BYU-Idaho, thanks for that) I miss reading my scriptures in my spot in the gardens on campus every day. I miss my teachers. I miss my ward. I miss my roommates. I miss my friends. I miss it all a lot.
A lot of days I wish I were in Rexburg instead of living at home, preparing for a mission. Those feelings come with feelings of inadequacy, of not being enough, discouragement and frusteration.
Joseph Smith is one of my heroes. (If you don't know who he is, check out mormon.org :) In the movie Joseph Smith the Prophet, there is a scene where an angry mob comes to Joseph's house. They breaks down his door, with torches and weapons in hand. Emma, Joseph's wife, grabs their baby in the cradle near their bed, and holds the baby close, while silently weeping as Joseph is pulled from his house. The mob grabs Joseph, and outside, they pour hot tar all over his body, and then scatter feathers, covering the entirety of his body, to mock his belief and dedication to the gospel. He is in SO much pain, and Emma stands at the door with the baby, just crying at the sight of his terrible pain. Later, it then shows Joseph sitting on the bed, while Emma picks the feathers out of his skin. Joseph has terrible burns and scabs all over his skin. You can see tears in both of their eyes. And then Joseph says something to the effect of, "Emma, perhaps I am meant to swim in deep waters".
I know that time after time Satan tempted Joseph to give up, to let go, to deny what he knew. He made it so SO hard for Joseph to accomplish the crazy-amazing work that God had for him. It was not easy for Joseph to constantly be standing and defending the gospel of Jesus Christ. He had to literally fight for right. Temptation did not make it easy for him. Satan wants us to be miserable, just like him, and he knew of the goodness the gospel would bring to the world. Why would he want that goodness present? Something that would make so many people SO happy, and full of love, and would make people desire to make the world a better place.
He made it extremely difficult.
Lots of times in my life I feel inadequate. Why has Heavenly Father given me this call to Peru? I feel so overwhelmed and honored, and I want to do so much, but sometimes I feel that even my best effort will not be enough. I feel discouraged. I feel lonely. I feel not enough.
But, through these testing times, I have found so much love and light in my Savior, Jesus Christ. I want to be like the prophet, Joseph. I want to know that I am strong enough to "swim in deep waters", and still stay strong in my faith in Christ and my love of God, just as he did.
I think that Satan tries to make me feel inadequate because he doesn't want me to go to Peru. He doesn't want others to learn of the atonement of Jesus Christ, and how it can heal every pain, and every inadequacy we've felt. He doesn't want me to increase in my love for the Savior. He doesn't want my life (and other's lives) to change for the better.
Joseph Smith later wrote:
And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me...envy and wrath have been common all the days of my life. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am [meant] to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has God delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for God hath spoken it.
And so, whenever I start to feel like I'm missing out on a year of school, and my families lives, hanging out with my friends, or when I worry about all the money I'm putting into this mission, or when I feel like I speak lousy Spanish, I remember: "perhaps I am meant to swim in deep waters"
One last quote from Joseph Smith:
"Never be discouraged. If I were sunk in the lowest pits of Nova Scotia, with the Rocky Mountains piled on me, I would hang on, exercise faith, and keep up good courage, and I would come out on top."
I am so so SO grateful that God has trusted me, Addy Clark, a simple girl from a small community, to represent Him in the country of Peru. I know that faith can take us far.
Keep up the good courage. God is right there, he is the lifeguard watching the deep waters, and his hand is outstretched, if we just reach out to Him.
I know that he wants to help us, and has our VERY best interest in mind, because he loves us SO stinkin' much. I am grateful for Him and His good word every darned day.
